Manly Bonding with the Cullens
by leiahlaloa
Summary: Spend a Sunday afternoon with the Cullen boys.  What kind of trouble can they get themselves into?


**A/N- This is a one shot that just came to me today while I was watching my college football team. Please forgive me. I know that I'm neglecting Constant. But the Edward part of my brain is completely distracted. And completely vampire right now. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I'm re-reading Twilight right now. I thought it might inspire me to write the epilogue, but all it's done is given me more fuel for one shots. **

**I know that there really isn't any time frame that this will fit in, but I wanted it to happen.. and so… we'll AU this one… for those of you who care about that kind of stuff. I just needed an outlet.**

"Come on, Edward. It's male bonding time. Big foam fingers, body painting, tail gating, and no women. Get excited!" Emmett scowled at me. I was sitting in an overstuffed chair in front of the TV, and from what I could see in Emmett's mind, I looked completely tortured.

"I heard that!" Rosalie growled from upstairs. Bella was being tortured in a completely different way. Any chance for Alice to play Barbie, was a chance for Emmett to insist that we watch a football game or go play basketball. Or anything that would be considered male bonding… except for hunting that is.

"Emmett, I am pretty sure I see no foam fingers or body paint—and no, I do not want to see any" I said quickly, reading his mind, "But football is not the way I want to spend my Sunday afternoon."

"And so really, you just want to be boring as usual and lie around in your room, listening to music with Bella?" Emmett rolled his eyes.

"No," I protested. I hadn't planned on lying around in my room with Bella, but Sunday afternoons were typically uninterrupted time for us to do whatever we want. We usually end up in my room for lack of better things to do in Forks.

"Just lighten up a little, Edward," Jasper rolled his eyes and suddenly I was under his influence, feeling a little more cheery. I looked at the screen, where the announcers were still discussing pre-game issues with both teams.

Then I noticed who was playing. The Chicago Bears and the Detroit Lions.

"Emmett. Is this some—ridiculous attempt at humor?" I asked, sitting forward, watching the TV screen a little more intently, "The Bears and the Lions. And I don't have to assume. You'll be cheering for the Bears."

"That's right. Maybe I should change." He looked down at his royal blue shirt, "The Lions are this color blue. Here—you need to wear this shirt." So quickly, I didn't try to follow his movements, Emmett was streaking bare-chested up the stairs, his own shirt on the floor in front of me. Seconds later, he rejoined us wearing a bright orange shirt and dark blue track pants.

"Come on, Edward. I thought you were faster than me. You know this will go a lot faster if you'll just cooperate. Bella is upstairs getting primped and painted up. You might as well just sit down here and relax." Emmett flopped onto the couch.

"And why is Jasper allowed to wear green?" I threw a mocking glance over at my blonde brother.

"Because—he prefers humans. And that means he's a Packers fan."

Neither Jasper, nor I, was amused.

I suddenly cursed Carlisle's work. The hospital had paged him in the middle of the morning, signaling his departure for at least twelve hours. At least with him here, he would have been just as martyred as me.

"Look," Emmett pointed at the screen when a cameraman panned a crowd shouting and jumping up and down. They were all in different states of dress, some completely painted orange and navy and others sporting large royal blue afro wigs. I wondered about the sanity of humans, sometimes. I am sure that I never acted that way as a human—not even as a child.

"Why should grown men and women bounce around like that?" I groused. Jasper had, apparently, released his hold on me. "In my day—even in the first twenty or so years after I was turned—ladies were quiet and well mannered. And men may have been a little rambunctious now and then, but nothing like that. It's a shame that so much energy is wasted on such a barbaric display. It's regression in its worst form."

"What other words of wisdom do you have for us today, Grampa Cullen?" Emmett teased me, sitting at my feet as if he was a child eager to be taught, "And let me just say—Bella is not a well behaved woman from the early 20th century. She tried to bite me last night."

"She would have broken the skin if we weren't fully armored," Jasper agreed, smiling in pleasure at the memory. I laughed involuntarily, too. From Jasper's point of view, Bella and Emmett had been fighting over the remote. I could tell he had been very careful with her, always gracefully ripping the remote from her hands. But once, she didn't relinquish it so easily. When he tried to take it from her, she anticipated he would and latched onto his arm with her teeth.

"Alright, alright. Let's watch the game," I rolled my eyes.

"Will you put on the shirt?" Emmett hedged, hoping if he bugged me enough I would do whatever he wanted.

"No. And stop asking. Who says I'm not for the refs?"

We launched into an argument about who I should be cheering for, stopping every once in a while to shout at the football players on the large screen. Emmett's smile increased as I began to shout when there was a bad call made against the Lions.

_See, Edward, hanging out with your brothers can be fun._ Emmett's thoughts were smug.

I didn't reply, but continued to watch the game. Jasper began commenting on the teams' plays. Always the strategist.

"See, he should have come up to the left, instead of going right," he pointed to the screen, "And why does the Lions' quarterback seem to hesitate every time he passes the ball?"

"Did you see the Bears' defensive line? I would hesitate to," Emmett grinned, "Because I'd be afraid of the quarterback maul."

"Is that your unfortunate attempt at trying to rile me up?" I asked, feigning indifference. I had really wanted to say something about the weak offense the Bears had, because they had been fumbling the ball left and right all game, but I controlled myself.

"Is it working?" Emmett looked over at me, his expression full of hope.

"Yes," Jasper answered for me, obviously gauging my mood. I scowled at him flicking my eyes back to the game in time to see the Lions' wide receiver dodge a linebacker and sprint down the field towards the end zone.

"TOUCHDOWN DETROIT!" I forgot my façade and jumped to my feet in excitement.

Emmett smiled at me in satisfaction.

"What's going on down there, boys?" Esme's voice called.

"We're just watching the game," Emmett called, making a face.

"Well, behave yourselves. No broken furniture."

"Yes, mom," we all chorused and then chuckled at ourselves.

"No! This was not supposed to be a close game. The Bears were slotted to win by at least two touchdowns," Emmett suddenly whined.

"Why are you surprised?" Jasper asked, "The Lions have won two of their last three games. The season started well for them."

"It's just not fair." Emmett's pout was hilarious.

"It's only the beginning of the second quarter, Emmett." I rolled my eyes.

"Whatever. Don't talk to me. You're for the other side." Emmett threw a couch pillow at me. I dodged it gracefully, but Jasper didn't. Emmett had thrown the pillow so hard that feathers rained down on all of us making a huge mess. I stifled a laugh at the appalled look on Jasper's face.

"HEY! That's not funny!" Jasper growled and I knew a pillow would be crashing down on my face if I didn't leap into action. I jumped, diving behind my chair and grabbing my own ammunition at the same time.

"PILLOW FIGHT!" Emmett yelled and abruptly we were in a pillow war. Jasper had moved the couch back towards the furthest part of the room, making a fort and launching attacks when Emmett or I stood. Emmett had barricaded himself in the staircase, using one of the loveseats as his own barricade of protection. I kept my chair backed against the wall beside the TV, in hopes that they would fight against each other, instead of putting the new big screen in danger.

No such luck.

"The Bears will defeat the Lions!" Emmett yelled as he threw a large pillow in my direction. Again I dodged. He hadn't thrown it hard enough to break it open so I laid it in my pile of ammo.

"You guys are both wrong. The south will someday rise again and then one of _my_ teams will stomp both of yours into the ground." Jasper laughed, hiding behind the couch.

"The Lions will prevail!" I exclaimed, launching a pillow in Jasper's direction when I knew he was popping up. I smiled in satisfaction when the pillow not only hit the target, but popped open, sending fluffy white stuff everywhere.

"EDWARD! That's not fair! You read my mind!"

"Edward's a cheater!" Emmett's voice sounded revolted, "GET HIM!" Pillows were being launched at my general direction, some of them popping open when they hit the wall or the chair. I stayed safely behind my protective facade, keeping tabs on both Jasper and Emmett's mind so I would know if they let their guard down.

"Edward, you have to come out sometime." Emmett's voice taunted.

"Actually, Emmett, we have forever. So I think I'll just stay here," I called.

"Oh crap, the Lions are first and goal." Emmett's voice frowned, occupied with the game again. I took the opportunity to jump up and send a pillow in his direction. He dodged though, grinning evilly at me. My eyes widened as the pillow glanced off the stairs and hit Esme's descending form right in the face. Thankfully, the pillow did not burst open.

"Edward Anthony Cullen, what in the world are you doing?" Esme's voice was not congenial, "Look at this mess!"

"It's all Edward's fault!" Emmett pointed at me, as if we were ten-year-olds getting into trouble, "He dodged the pillow I threw at him and it hit Jasper. We might still be watching the game if it weren't for Edward's mind reading."

"I don't care whose fault this is. I want it cleaned up," Esme frowned, stomping back upstairs.

As we began putting the TV area back together and cleaning up all the pillow stuffing, Bella bounced down the stairs. Her hair was in small curlers pinned to her head and she was wearing a robe, instead of the clothing that she had originally arrived in. She looked as if she were about to say something, but then she burst into laughter.

"Is there something particularly funny about our current situation?" Emmett growled, sending a scathing look my way.

"Besides the fact that we're covered in feathers?" I asked, mildly amused at the picture we made. Emmett was quiet for a moment, imagining our war again. He finally nodded and grinned, scooping up a pile of feathers and throwing them towards me.

"You look like you got into a fight with a duck and lost," Bella was still giggling as she walked down the rest of the stairs and came towards me.

"Hey, no women!" Emmett motioned back towards the stairs, "This is the men's activity."

"Too bad. I'm tired of being poked and prodded." She scowled at Emmett and walked into my open arms.

"Geez. We can't even have one afternoon," Emmett plopped down into the nearest chair, sending feathers flying everywhere again.

"So, who's playing?" Bella asked, looking towards the TV.

"The Bears and the Lions," Jasper supplied. A funny look crossed Bella's face as she stared up at me.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked, curious to know what she was thinking, as usual.

"Are you serious? The Bears and the Lions?" Bella giggled again, "It's just ironic. Are you allowed to eat _these_ bears and lions?"

"NO!" all three of us said at the same time. But then we all began laughing at the absurdity of her question.

"Bella, come on." Alice was suddenly beside us, trying to take her captive back.

"NO," Bella whined, "I want to stay down here and watch the game."

"You do not. You can't even stand it when you have to sit with Charlie to watch a game," Alice tried to pry Bella from my grasp, but I held on.

"You know. I don't know why you even want to watch the game, Emmett," Alice suddenly turned to him, and I gasped in horror. Would she even dare…

"The Lions beat the Bears twenty-four to twelve."

Yes she would.

"Now, clean this mess up. Once Bella's hair is finished, we're all going to Olympia to shop for new throw pillows, among other things." Alice smirked, grabbing Bella away and marching back up the stairs in the midst of our groans of disdain.

**A/N-I'm not a Bears or a Lions fan, but I thought this scenario would be hilarious. I enjoyed it a lot and continue to apologize for my lack of work on the Epilogue of Constant. It's there. It's waiting for me to write it. I just have to find the will to. **

**Now please, be nice and review. **


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